coming up for air

It’s been awhile. And I’ve started this post probably nineteen times in the last 3 weeks but never have a moment to finish it. 

Momma’s been struggling a little. Maybe it’s Seasonal Affective Disorder (what a bitch these short days are), maybe it’s the season in itself when my family remembers all the loved ones we’ve lost in the past around this time, and maybe it’s just the stress of the holidays. 

Either way, I’ve been feeling like I’m drowning a lot. The kids have been a handful. Like significantly more than usual. Cora literally has me banging my head against the wall on a daily basis. Dexter is so happy, but so ornery and so curious. Mark has been busy. And honestly, I don’t feel like I’m getting out of the house enough or getting enough time to myself. But then when I have it I feel like shit. 

Mom guilt, mom guilt, mom guilt. You evil bitch. 

I didn’t make any New Years resolutions this year and I don’t have a word or phrase that I’m focusing on for the year. I just want to stick to what I said back in November and take care of myself. That’s it. And I’ve been saying that for so long but it’s so hard. I am awful at waiting until I feel like I’m drowning, having a breakdown, and demanding a break instead of slipping in breaks when I can. I need to not feel guilty about it. I have to remind myself constantly (no really ALL THE DAMN TIME) that I’m taking care of a family but I’m the only one who takes care of me, so it’s okay to put myself first every now and then. This will include getting on some meds. I’m a better mom when I feel like a person and not a shell of a person who does nothing but clean and change diapers all day. I deserve happiness, hobbies, and things that are for me. (I posted about this on instagram the other day and was sadly shocked at how many other moms struggle with finding something for themselves.) 

The kids didn’t go to Mothers Day Out today because #snowday, but their naps collided just enough for me to take a bath. (Ignore my toes that haven’t been painted in forever.) There are dirty dishes in the sink and our living room looks like a toy tornado plowed through it. There’s laundry waiting for me in the dryer and I badly need to go through our bathroom drawers and get rid of shit. But right now I’m going to fill my cup a little while I have a few fleeting moments to do so. 

P.S. I would love to find time to write and post more. I need to make that a priority. 

– amanda 

One thought on “coming up for air

  1. Really REALLY long time follower, but I’ve never commented before! I just really wanted to reach out and say…something? I don’t know, I’ve just seen SO many posts on Instagram and Bloglovin’ lately about mummas doing it tough, and they always affect me, mainly because I can’t even begin to imagine what mummas go through, so for me it’s both intriguing and eye-opening to get a window into that unfamiliar world. I really just wanted to reach out and say that as much as I don’t really know you – only the blog and Instagram versions – I feel like you use both platforms very openly and honestly (which is so refreshing!!) and I just hope that you do manage to take the time that you need for yourself and get back to feeling ‘yourself’ again. I’m your age but without a husband or children to worry about, and I still find it difficult to find time to do all the things I need and want to do with my time, so I will be forever impressed by people like you who have so much other stuff going on and still manage to be seriously fabulous!! So yeah, you are awesome and you deserve to be your best you – and I promise this is not just a selfish desire to read more of your excellent and hilarious blog posts. 😛

    Like

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